Turning Thirty, The Musical

by Tom Willner

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about

This CD is a collection of 17 songs about Tom Willner's experience with cancer. These are the original versions, both raw and creative, recorded while undergoing cancer treatments.

Turning Thirty The Musical:

The story begins on the thirtieth birthday of the main character, Conlan. He enjoys his work. He and his wife are thinking of starting a family. However, an unexpected and unwelcome visitor arrives to change their lives forever. Conlan learns that he has testicular cancer and must go through several operations to battle it. His cancer is personified as T.C., a character who sees himself differently than one might expect.

Turning Thirty The Musical explores the needed surgical procedures and medical tests, the support of family and friends, and even the humorous side of the struggle, through song.

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released September 1, 2000

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Track Name: Life Is Good
i got sunshine in the daytime and moonshine in the night
i got logic on my left side and an artist on my right
i got high i got low i got heart and i got soul
i got laughter and my song i got right i got wrong
i got friends and i love i got typical and unheard of
i got everything i could 'cause i got life and life is good

i got many for every one a whole lot of boring but a mess of fun
i got casual and fine i got water and a whole lot of wine
i got happy i got sad sometimes good and sometimes bad
for every rich there is some poor sometimes less sometimes more
i got friends i got foes easy comes and easier goes
i got more than anyone should 'cause i got life and life is good

i got jobs but i got dreams tiny raindrops make up streams
i got silence within sound i get lost but then i'm found
i got action along with thought i get away with but i get caught
i got random though it's planned a little spinet and a great big grand
but there's one thing that i got and that one thing means a lot
sometimes cold and sometimes hot it always is and is always not
hard to grasp yet understood very doubtful but in all likelihood
i got life and life is good
Track Name: For A Child
for a child i am not ready for a child i have great fear
for a child makes me wonder if to her i'll be less dear
i'm not wild about the thought of changing everything around me
for a child might change the person she will be

for a child i wish he'd understand for a child is what i long
it frightens me that he might see the time as always wrong
i'm not wild about the thought of never having a family
for without a child i'm afraid of the person i might be
Track Name: Your Number's Up
things have gone so well for you too well too well
time to cast a spell on you time to give you hell
but what could be the reason for this sudden turn for the worse
no reason is required if the cause is uninspired it's just a curse

because your number's up it's time for you to sweat
yes your number's up and thirty's all you get
that's more than you deserved i hate to wait so long
you have so much that is right so here's some wrong

look at you feeling everything is grand
a little bit of shit can hit you right there where you stand
when you least suspect it you won't know what it will be
but you'll know it once it's there and you'll be so afraid to see

that your number's up it's time for you to sweat
yes your number's up and thirty's all you get
that's more than you deserved i hate to wait so long
why should everything be so right
why should everything be so right when there is wrong
Track Name: Have A Ball
i used to think they'd always be around
no reason to think otherwise i'd found
then one day everything had changed
and my thoughts on the subject were completely rearranged

it occurred to me that something had gone wrong
and i'd have to act to fix it before long
i had little time i had to make the call
so i thought why should i worry when i can just have a ball

have a ball have a ball oh i'm up against a wall
if i let them have a ball there's only one left yes that's all
they say i need just one they say it won't hurt at all
well if that's what it takes then baby have a ball

now you might think that it's an easy choice
and you would not be afraid to raise your voice
but let me tell you it's not simple at all no
when you're face to face with the decision to have a ball

have a ball have a ball oh i'm up against a wall
if i let them have a ball there's only one left yes that's all
they say i need just one they say it won't hurt at all
well if that's what it takes then baby have a ball

oh it's scary yes it's very solitary makes me wary
like an unnecessary adversary it seems so involuntary
why am i the only guy whose happy life's gone so awry
i used to be tough i used to stand tall
i used to have balls but now i only have a ball

have a ball have a ball oh i'm up against a wall
if i let them have a ball there's only one left yes that's all
they say i need just one they say it won't hurt at all
well if that's what it takes though it gives me the shakes
please don't make any mistakes and baby have a ball
Track Name: How Could This Be
everything was fine everything was good
now there's only rubble where great buildings once stood
my life has changed i've lost my footing my bearing
the pages of my life neatly written now are tearing

how could this be
i had no reason to believe that this could happen to me
the world i once knew is no longer true
and the one that i'm left with is so frightening to see
how could this be

others have their problems i once had those too
now i'd gladly trade mine for theirs if only that's what i could do
i used to be so happy i used to have it made
now i feel as though i have a mysterious debt to be repaid

how could this be
i had no reason to believe that this could happen to me
the world i once knew is no longer true
and the one that i'm left with is so frightening to see
and the one that i'm left with is so frightening to see
how could this be

how dare this be the case what gall to mess with me
i've never hurt another least not intentionally
what nerve of him to enter my peaceful little town
he's come into my life and turned it upside down
i am hurt i am bitter and for the life of me
i cannot see how this could be
Track Name: Hurry Up And Wait
gotta get a test gotta do what's best gotta figure out what's wrong
just a little prick don't worry it'll be so quick no it won't take very long
there's only one way to be sure we have to take a look
gotta stick to the procedure gotta do it by the book
take a little bit from here drain a little bit from there
send it off to analyze it
quickly now don't jeopardize the chance we have to tell what's going on

gotta get a test gotta do what's best gotta figure out what's wrong
just a little prick don't worry it'll be so quick no it won't take very long
there's only one way to be sure we have to take a look
gotta stick to the procedure gotta do it by the book
take a little bit from here drain a little bit from there
send it off to analyze it
quickly now don't jeopardize the chance we have to tell what's going on

and when that part of you gets to the queue at one of the few places that do
what we all knew we had to do to figure out what's up with you
you have to wait

i can't take this i gotta know right now
the waiting just might kill me no i do not know how
i'll be able to stand watching every grain of sand
slowly tick away the time this should be a crime
to make us sit and fret about the results that we might get
oh how so much i hate to hurry up and wait
Track Name: The Best Job In The World
i have fame and fortune and notoriety
i hobnob with the rich and famous the dregs and everyone in between
people think i am awful but i don't see it that way
i bring out the best and worst in everyone regardless of what they say

now i can make the powerful weak
and i can make the very rich poor
unite the masses against me
yes that is what i'm for

you see i got the best job in the world
i got the best job in the world
i got the best job in the world
i got the best job

would you like to sign up for my service there are so many ways to participate
i partner up with all the things you love if you don't want me around
don't take the bait
would you care for a smoke how about a day at the beach out in the sun
take the new gas guzzler out for a spin now wouldn't that be fun

try some chemicals to help your food grow
and other great products you can't do without
the leftover stuff in your water and soil
is nothing to get too concerned about

i got the best job in the world
i got the best job in the world
i got the best job in the world
i got the best job

hold on now i take from insurance companies no one likes them anyway
i give to the medical industry not a bad deal i would say
what about science and research they need a good riddle or two
if they already had all of the answers what would be left for them to do

see i'm not so bad in fact you need someone like me
i help to make your life worth living
not your stupid jobs or your worthless stuff and all that shit that nobody's giving
i bring purpose i return focus you'll reexamine values what's important to you
you hate me because i cause pain but without me you wouldn't know what to do
i got the best job in the world
Track Name: We Will Face This Foe
look at you feeling sorry for yourself
pull yourself together get your will down off the shelf
i've battled him before i can help you do what's right
i don't know if we'll win but i do know we can fight

together on this journey we must go
for together we will face this foe
sometimes you may fall and you may even die
though you may not defeat him you must try

you have the means at your disposal to beat him there's no trick
set aside your fear for to win we must be quick
don't let him hurt your will stand firm listen to me
summon all your strength be prepared and you will see

that together on this journey we must go
for together we will face this foe
sometimes you may fall and you may even die
though you may not defeat him
though you may not defeat him you must try

i never asked for this
i don't want to play this game
i wish it would just go away
as quickly as it came
but maybe there is hope
in something he has seen
yes maybe he can help me
and show me what he means

he's a crafty little bastard
i never asked for this
he'll attack when you are down
i don't want to play this game
he'll hide 'til you forget him
i wish it would just go away
then he's sure to come around
as quickly as it came
but he's not without a weakness
but maybe there is hope
he works like a machine
in something he has seen
i tell you i can help you
yes maybe you can help me
let me show you what i mean
yes show me what you mean

that together on this journey we must go
for together we will face this foe
sometimes you may fall
and i may even die
though you may not defeat him
though you may not defeat him we must try
Track Name: Get Through This With You
i don't know what's happening to me
i don't know what the end of this will be
hold me now i'm so afraid i can't see straight at all
will you be there to catch me if I fall

i don't know why this had to be
i don't know what the end of this will be
what will we do i'm frightened too i don't know what to say
but i'll be here every moment every night and every day

well i never had expected to be where we are today
and it frightens me to think about the price that we might pay
i don't have answers but i know the only thing to do
i'll be here to get through this with you

you're the one i rest my head upon when i go to bed
you're the one who calms the demons running round inside my head
you're the one i long for when i am alone
you're the one who showed me love like i've never known

well i never had expected to be where we are today
and it frightens me to think about the price that we might pay
this must be so hard for you and it's hard for me too
i'll be here to get through this with you

i'll be here
i'll be here
right here
right here

i'll be here to get through this with you
Track Name: Masturbating In A Cup
there have been times in my life
when i had myself no girlfriend and i had no wife
and there would be times
when i could cut the tension with a knife

i felt as though i had no control
i felt as though i 'd sell my own soul
just to snuff out the burning flame
to make the wild horses tame
to force the voices in my head to shut up
but i never thought i'd masturbate in a cup

masturbating in a cup feels very strange
masturbating in a cup will make a man change
oh i've done this before but one thing's for sure
i never had to stress about my aim
with a cup it's a completely new game

i consider myself a sensitive man
but they got magazines and videos to help out my hand
other men i know are so jealous of me
i get to leave work early and watch pornography
not only that but i can do so with impunity
so why do i feel like everyone's staring at me

masturbating in a cup feels very strange
masturbating in a cup will make a man change
oh i've done this before but one thing's for sure
i never had to stress about my aim
with a cup it's a completely new game

it doesn't really make me feel virile
when the room is so bland and yes sterile
i do this to make sure that we can always have kids
i just hope they never ask about what dear daddy did

masturbating in a cup feels very strange
masturbating in a cup will make a man change
oh i've done this before but one thing's for sure
i never had to stress about my aim
and i may never be the same
Track Name: I'm Here For You
i know you're hurting i can ease your pain
i know you're frightened i can keep you sane
your battle's almost over it's time for you to rest
though you may feel cursed realize you're blessed

she knows exactly what to say what to do
she's an angel
i'm here for you
she gets me what i need lets me do what i should do
she takes care of me
i'm here for you

who is this person why is she so good to me
she helps me to heal she compels me to see
i go where i am needed that's why i'm here with you
i can comfort you and help you heal 'cause that is what i do

she knows exactly what to say what to do
she's an angel
i'm here for you
she gets me what i need lets me do what i should do
she takes care of me
i'm here for you

you may feel isolated but you are not alone
if you need strength i have some to give
think of where you want to be then take that first step
to bounce back you must stand you must walk you will live

she knows exactly what to say what to do
she's an angel
i'm here for you
she gets me what i need lets me do what i should do
she takes care of me
i'm here for you
Track Name: Sometimes
sometimes i stand
sometimes i fall
sometimes i wonder if anyone understands at all

what about me
why did this even have to happen at all
i don't care about some baby i care about him
i don't want to be alone should he fall

sometimes i feel like we will be fine
we're lucky we'll get through it and we'll be ok
this is just a minor detour
but sometimes it doesn't feel that way

what if it doesn't get better what if it gets worse
what if we battle this for years until it finally breaks him and me
it's such an unknown and i want to know
i want it to be known and i want it to be good
this is not how my life is supposed to be

i'd have a husband who loves me and treats me so well
we'd have carloads of children with stories to tell
learning and growing and caring
yearning and going and sharing
this is the way it was meant for me
not the way it has turned out to be

i can't stand to see him this way
tired and pained and suffering all day
i think of what might be and don't know what to do
i don't want to live if he's not here too

the worst part is the man i can turn to can lean on who keeps me sane
is the one who can't help me the one who's in pain
dear god what on earth am i supposed to do
this horrible nightmare is killing me too
Track Name: The Battle
we meet again
yes it's true why do you keep doing what you do
why do i why do we you must grow tired of facing me
no matter what you seem to do i come back for him or perhaps you

i don't care what you say you won't win not today
he was such an easy mark i can keep you in the dark
i must warn you his will is strong
together we'll make sure you're gone

i grow tired of this senseless chatter
let's get to the heart of the matter
try to stop me or get out of my way
oh we will stop you and you will pay

i will pay don't insult me
i've made you pay already can't you see
you know it's true
we're strong we're prepared
but are so afraid to see
you will see

that your number's up
together
it's time for you to sweat
the journey's led us here
yes your number's up
together
and thirty's all you get
the end is very near
that's more than you deserved
we must strike
i hate to wait so long
before long
why should everything be so right
if he thinks he'll win
why should everything be so right
if he thinks he'll win
when there is wrong
he is wrong
Track Name: Not Done Yet
they think that i'm defeated
i'm so misunderstood
they think the blade had slain me
they think i'm gone for good

but i'm not done yet don't underestimate me
yes i'll be back just you wait and see
no i'm not done yet i'm just keeping out of sight
don't think that this is over for i've just begun to fight
Track Name: Poison
i've analyzed your enemy i know just what he needs
he can't exist without you it's off of you he feeds
so if you want him off your back you've come to the right place
i can help you make him go away disappear without a trace

so settle down relax no cause for a commotion
i know the secret formula i have the magic potion

i'll share with you the answer to make this one a ghost
to kill this parasite we must poison the host

a part of me is dying
i can feel it fade away
why must this be so trying
i don't know what to say

the sky has become overcast
the sea's no longer grand
the air is all polluted
the soil has turned to sand

i must be in a nightmare
please tell me it's not real
nothing could hope to assuage
how horrible i feel

when will this be over
you need to drink some more
i could not take another sip
that's only one of four

i know that you must suffer
don't worry troubled friend
though it may feel like an eternity
soon all of this will end

so drink up all your poison
and sleep the whole night through
for when the nightmare's over
he will be worse off than you
Track Name: For A Child 2
for a child i am now ready
for a child i understand
why she would plea so much to me
the time is now at hand
it surprises me that there could be a new outlook in me
for a child won't change the people we will be

for a child it's about time
that that bastard's come around
i thought i'd have to withhold sex
until good sense was found
oh thank god he finally lost the untimely error in his ways
for if not more careful he'd darn well discover the end of his days

for a child i'd be a father
the mere thought could drive one mad
i can scarcely fathom what 'twill be to be a dad
maybe only now i see what it is that i could be

look at him what a shock on and on he goes
once again lost in himself where that is god only knows

for a child we are now ready
for a child i understand/and the time is now at hand
it's such a gift
one i've always planned
all my doubts i've reconciled
for upon us he has smiled
now we are both wild for a child
Track Name: Life Is Good Finale
i got sunshine in the daytime and moonshine in the night
i got logic on my left side and an artist on my right
i got high i got low i got heart and i got soul
i got laughter and my song i got right i got wrong
i got friends and i love i got typical and unheard of
i got everything i could 'cause i got life and life is good

i got many for every one a whole lot of boring but a mess of fun
i got casual and fine i got water and a whole lot of wine
i got happy i got sad sometimes good and sometimes bad
for every rich there is some poor sometimes less sometimes more
i got friends i got foes easy comes and easier goes
i got more than anyone should 'cause i got life and life is good

i got jobs but i got dreams tiny raindrops make up streams
i got silence within sound i get lost but then i'm found
i got action along with thought i get away with but i get caught
i got random though it's planned a little spinet and a great big grand
but there's one thing that i got and that one thing means a lot
sometimes cold and sometimes hot it always is and is always not
hard to grasp yet understood very doubtful but in all likelihood
i got life and life is good